Hiker Humor

Here's a bit of trail humor to keep ya smiling through the day...

Sixteen Steps to Building a Campfire

1. Split dead limb into fragments and shave one fragment into slivers.
2. Bandage left thumb.
3. Chop other fragments into smaller fragments
4. Bandage left foot.
5. Make structure of slivers (include those embedded in hand)
6. Light Match
7. Light Match
8. Repeat "a Scout is cheerful" and light match.
9. Apply match to slivers, add wood fragments, and blow gently into base of fire.
10. Apply burn ointment to nose.
11. When fire is burning, collect more wood.
12. Upon discovering that fire has gone out while out searching for more wood, soak wood from can labeled "kerosene."
13. Treat face and arms for second-degree burns.
14. Relabel can to read "gasoline."
15. When fire is burning well, add all remaining firewood.
16. When thunder storm has passed, repeat steps.

Forest Service Complaints

• A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get reimbursed? Please call."
• "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
• "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
• "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
• "Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to chase animals."
• "All the mile markers are missing this year."
• "Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
• "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
• "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
• "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
• "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without having to hike to them."
• "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate these annoying animals."
• "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with flashlights."
• "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
• "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
• "Too many rocks in the mountains."
• "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

Q: What is the difference between a homeless person and a thruhiker?

A: Gore-Tex!

Hope you enjoyed, keep trekking, GTFO!

~EcoHiker

Outdoor Tip #4

Here's 5 "great ideas" (by others, not myself) that are Do Not's on the list of tips.

1. It is raining or windy outside so let's start the fire inside the tent.

2. Pitching the tent or swag in a "dry" creek/river/gully bed with a storm coming.

3. Setting up camp below the high water mark on an ocean tidal riverbank.

4. Putting an unopened can of baked beans in the fire to warm them up.

5. Driving away from the campsite to get some supplies with the tent still set up... and roped to the car.

Outdoor Tip #3

A friend just sent me a link to a site that offers advice to beginner campers, I was about to dismiss it but then I saw this... which just so happened to be the best thing on the page...


"Is nudity tolerated at the camp?  I see the occasional naked person coming out of a sauna, and I once attended a spiritual camp with a naked couple dancing.  It doesn't bother my family, although we are split as to whether or not we would join in!  I thought I'd warn you, though, in case it matters to you."


Ironically enough I've actually run into a couple nudies (and sometimes I enjoy the same freedom) on my trips, keep it in mind and consider joining in sometime!

Outdoor Tip #2

To make a waterproof emergency fire starter, roll 20 narrow strips of newspaper together and secure with a rubber band. Soak the roll in melted paraffin, then let drain and harden. Make up a supply of these fire starters to have ready for future camping trips. 

Outdoor Tip #1

Don't feed the wildlife or else the wildlife may feed on you....

P-Tec Fuel Headlamp (custom colors series)

The P-Tec Fuel Headlamp is a great gadget, I've used one for biking for the last 3 years, it's also by backup in case something happens to my Remix. Even with a great headlamp already under their belt with a proven design P-Tec decided to follow the customization trend that Apple started in the early 2000's by creating a custom colors line for the Fuel in their Spectrum Project. Now gear junkies can have this lightweight flexible headlamp in an array of custom colors best suited to their liking, completely original designed by it's user. It's a pretty cool idea, I've been diggin' it since P-Tec sent me my Halloween themed Fuel. The color change along with an updated 4th LED are the only differences between this headlamp and it's predecessor, you still get all the functionality of the Fuel Headlamp with a nice color combo to boot. Here's the specs for the junkies...

• 4 bright LEDs - 3 brightness settings and a strobe function
• Flood Light beams up to approx. 35m - high, 28m - medium and 20m - low
• Runs on 3 AAA batteries - up to 50 hrs. of runtime on high, 90 hrs. on medium and 146 hrs. on low - 90 hrs. on strobe
• Max light output 43 lumens, min. 13 lumens
• Single-arm ratcheting head
• Large push-button switch
• Weight 2.75 ounces
• Water resistant
• Limited 5 yr warranty.

The Fuel 4 comes with 3 AAA batteries and a stylish elastic headband, plus you get a little p-tec sticker as well (which is nice). Since I've bought my Remix I've noticed that the button on many of P-tec's headlamps is getting harder to push, with or without gloves on (which is what they say the big "easy to push" button is all about) though it's not impossible. The swivel head offers a good range of visibility and allows you to move around in tight fitted areas while still having ample light. The battery door... now this has always been an issue... many people (including myself) have complained about the flimsy nature of the battery door (which on this model you have to use the plastic pry-tool built into the headband). I find that if you're careful you can get the door open without too much trouble, but this is definitely the Achilles heel of the light. The strobe is a nice feature if you're walking or biking in an urban environment to keep vehicles aware of your presence. I primarily use my headlamps for camping and when I brought this one out for the night hike test, it made good on it's promises. Putting it through the rings was nothing short of what I expected, water resistant (not waterproof), shock resistant (dropped from 25 ft. and still worked), bright enough light to get where you're going (though if you want a brighter light I'd go with the Remix), no qualms about the burn time, and as comfortable as a headlamp can be. Though it's almost a given with most of these products, a reminder that you can use rechargeable batteries in this light; it's a planet friendly way to conserve resources and the power as well as value you get out of a single set is worth it by the second time you change your batteries. Overall I'm giving the Fuel 4 a 4 out of 5 stars, it's a great product with few issues from a reputable company (that I've trusted for years).


Bottom line: Yes I would recommend it to a friend.


I think this is a great idea, it's going to give a lot of people a chance to share a piece of themselves while hiking, biking, caving, whatever! So if you're looking for a stylish piece of gear with good capability and great credentials, look no further, the P-Tec Fuel 4 is a go!


~GTFO, Eco